Invasion from Inner Earth |
USA • 1974 • 94m •
  • Directed by: Bill Rebane. • Starring: Paul Bentzen, Debbi Pick, Nick Holt, Karl Wallace, Robert Arkens, Arnold Didrickson, James Steadman, David Pray, Mary O'Keefe, William Reetz, Robert Filiatreaux, Warren McPherson, Thomas Nick..     A group of young pilots in a remote region of the Canadian wilderness begin to hear strange reports over their radios about planes crashing, cars stalling and a deadly plague which has gripped the planet. It becomes clear that earth is in the midst of an invasion. The group of pilots decide to barracade themselves in a cabin deep in the woods and wait for their impending doom.
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Review:
That said, we've seen our share of bad films. Hell, we've seen more bad films in a year than most people will watch in their entire lives. One thing has forever haunted us. This film is without a shadow of a doubt, hands-down, no joke, without question, the worst film we have ever seen. PERIOD. The contest is over. You have a winner. Go home and try not to even THINK about this film.
I wish I could describe for you how infernally bad this film is. I wish the English language possessed the proper adjectives to put into some sort of written context how miserable this film is.
Imagine smacking yourself over the head with a brick for an hour and a half straight and you've only begun to scrape the surface. Imagine covering every square inch of your body with highly adhesive duct tape and then having it slowwwwwwwly peeled back all at one time and you might begin to feel it burn. Imagine standing in line on a humid day in the DMV surrounded by angry, smelly people screaming into their cell phones while the fluorescent lights overhead buzz and the door keeps making a grating squeaking noise every time it is opened and that's every couple minutes and a little boy next to you has just vomited on the floor and you got it on your shoe and you realize you have to pee but you're in the middle of the line and if you leave you have to start all over at the end but dammit you really have to pee and oh god it's never going to stop is it... where's that cyanide pill when you really need it?
Well, enough lavish descriptions.
The film itself is about... um... it's about... let's see... there are some people in the woods. In a cabin. The cabin is remote. Um... four of them. Maybe twenty. I can't tell the characters apart. They might have names. They might not.
Let's see, cut every so often to the frantic scene of a city being menaced by colored smoke and then cut back to the cabin people who need a radio so they can call home and then a red light shows up and then something happens. Every time a red light shows up, it's bad. I can tell you that much. Beware of those red lights. The apparently do something.
Someone escapes in an airplane and they might have been killed but let's just forget about them since the movie never really explains it. Someone is shined upon with a red light in the woodshed. The people in the city are running in circles. There's colored smoke! Run people! Run!
I know I sound like I'm being vague but trust me, I'm not. I still have no fcking clue what the HELL happened in this film. If you figure it out, let me know. Please.
For one and half mind-sucking hours you could spend on something more constructive like nailing your feet to the floor or jabbing yourself in the eyes with newly-sharpened number two pencil, you watch as characters discuss the radio, walk around inside and outside, are attacked by a red light and occasionally cut to other scenes as over and over people in the city run in fear from colored smoke in what becomes increasingly obvious as a the same footage shot at three different angles, tops.
Now, you may want to actually go see this film. You may read my review and others and think, "Wow! This is so bad! It must be entertaining to watch something as bad as this! I'll go rent it right NOW!" I wish I was as innocent of mind as you.
But if for some ungodly reason you want to violate all rational sense and go pick this up, ignore the next bit with SPOILERS...
SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS...
Still with me? Good. You don't want to watch this film. You don't even want to consider it. That whole poking-in-the-eye thing I mentioned earlier sounds like fun by comparison. You might want to consider it.
This movie ends after the two remaining characters strong enough to resist whatever the hell the red light does walk along the railroad tracks. The Earth is decimated. They are the only two survivors. They ponder their existence and look around at the ruins which look vaguely like a regular city where some crappy b-movie director has gotten permission to vacate all the buildings while he shoots his crappy movie.
This man and this woman (if the characters had names, I certainly didn't noticecarewish to remember them) are alone in the world. All alone. Just the two of them.
Suddenly, they become naked children.
No, really. That's what happens. Through the magic of shoddy editing they are suddenly both naked children. They walk down the railroad tracks and into the badly framed sunset and roll credits.
You probably think I'm kidding. Hell, if I told me that was the ending, I would probably think I was kidding too. And I've seen this movie so I know better.
I know. It's some sort of Adam and Eve metaphor, right? I don't think so. Sure the Adam and EVe angle comes into play but the way it's shot, I have no doubt in my mind the director really turned his two remaining characters into naked children.
SPOILERS OVER... SPOILERS OVER... SPOILERS OVER...
Watching this movie, my friend and I were silent. We were unable to stop it. It just kept playing. A certain, disbelieving paralysis struck us. Could a movie really be this bad? Is it possible to go this low?
I have some possible suggestions for how this movie could be used:
1) Rent it and tape over it with something less tedious like televised golf or home video of your great aunt reading the Bible in a dimly-lit room or even time-lapse photography of grass growing. Whatever you do, make certain you take it back to the video store. You don't want to get to the afterlife having known you STOLE this film. Your pain will be legendary. Even in Hell.
2) Recommend it to someone you really hate. Sell it well. Tell them it is a cheap, budgetless film but that it has an original story packed with a unique direction that will not be forgotten. You certainly won't be lying there. DO NOT WATCH IT WITH THEM. If they invite you, make up some feasible excuse. And never talk to them again. This movie says it all for you.
3) Punish your children with it. Instead of TV restriction, tell them they can watch TV as much as they like, but all they can watch is this film. Trust me. Even the most rebellious child will transform themselves into an angel. Either that or kill you in your sleep and end up in an institution claiming the red light made them do it.
I wish I could say more. I've devoted a huge amount of time to writing this review because a movie this bad needs a headstone fitting of its badness. I wish I could properly convey to you in some way how much this movie is to be avoided. If they have it at your local video store, do your fellow patrons a favor and hide it somewhere that it won't be found. Let the good people at the store think they've lost it. Let them find if later and then hide it again so maybe they get the message. Take it out of circulation. Bring a magnet with you and leave it in the box. If this shoddy film ever comes out on DVD (surely a sign of impending apocalypse), KEY it. I normally wouldn't recommend illegal activity in your local video store, but trust me. Doing so is humanitarian. I'm not kidding. Mother Theresa told me so in a vision, and if it's good enough for the old 'Mum, it's good enough for me.
So I leave you with her review of this film:
"I suffered for many years toiling to bring happiness and health and beauty to the ravaged people of a place as decimated as Calcutta. I saw misery and human sadness I could not begin to put into words. But trust me when I tell you this... none of it can compare to the horrid time I spent watching this fcking film.
Review by e_b_a from the Internet Movie Database.
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