Crawl or Die |
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USA • 2014 • 90m •
  • Directed by: Oklahoma Ward. • Starring: Nicole Alonso, Torey Byrne, Tommy Ball, Wil Crown, David Wilde, Tom Chamberlain, Clayton Burgess, David Zeliff, Larry Huitt, Matthew Stephen Crabtree, Troy Bailey, Jonathan Dixon, Robbie Huitt..    An elite security team assigned the task of protecting the last known woman who can become pregnant, find themselves caught in an endless claustrophobic underground tunnel system. The team soon learns - the real horror is not the unstoppable force chasing them, but the ever growing smaller tunnel itself.
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Review:
The earth is overrun by the "OVT" virus (Whatever the f!!ck that is) and a special forces unit is given the task of escorting -in their commander's words- "the last non-infected, virus-free, fertile woman alive" to Earth 2. Now he could have just said "non-infected" or "virus-free" but repeatedly chose to compound those two terms (Maybe he thought his team was stupid and wasn't taking any chances in case they didn't understand the meaning of one term?).
This movie is brought to us, we are told at the start, by "Backyard Films" which is something I can well believe. I couldn't make sense of the action in the first part of this video (I can't call this a "movie" folks). Speaking of action, the last two-thirds of the movie is spent in narrow underground tubes or tunnels. One is of some kind of plastic or metal and the other is soil. It gets increasingly cramped. So much so, they can only move an inch at a time WHEN THEY MOVE. If you can't run, kick, jump, shoot -where's the entertainment? What we see mostly is people inching or crawling along like this dull video. After inching forward about 3 inches, the lead chick stops, grimaces, looks around, musters up some incredible inner reserve and moves 3 more inches. And so on, and so on. I kid you not, this is a huge chunk of this "movie".
Maybe the people who made this video knew it was going to get dull once they got to the narrow tunnels, so just before she goes in, the lead Ops chick who has a blonde punk mohawk hair style, and wears knee-high fetish boots with thick rubber soles, takes off her pants and gives it to the doctor to rip into strips for bandage for the injured non-infected "plus" virus-free woman. She's now left wearing some ultra short shorts (At this point I perk up). This could get interesting if the camera guy or gal does his or her job properly. Unfortunately the camera person was "gun-shy", so to speak and didn't give me the angles and close-ups I wanted. Maybe the Backyard people didn't want to appear exploitive. In which case: Why use all of the punk Ops pants for bandage? Could have just used the legs. But they had her strip down to her short shorts and then chickened out once she got in the tunnels.
Now before anyone thinks of me as base, let me say this: If you're going to confine a woman so she can't run, jump, shoot, face-off with that cheap Alien knock-off of a creature -what else is there? If you want to keep at least "some" of your audience, you might as well use your camera to lovingly study the beauty of the female form as she pushes, struggles, and wiggles thru some very tight places.
Review by Boloxxxi from the Internet Movie Database.
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