5 Headed Shark Attack |
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 • USA • 2017 • 89m •   • Directed by: Nico De Leon. • Starring: Chris Bruno, Nikki Howard, Lindsay Sawyer, Jeffrey Holsman, Chris Costanzo, Amaanda Méndez, Ian Daryk, Jorge Navarro, Lorna Hernandez, Michelle Cortés, Nicholas Nene, Radamés Medina, Stephanie Cruz. • Music by: Christopher Cano, Chris Ridenhour.    A four headed shark makes the Puerto Rico coast his private buffet as he chomps on models, photographers, surfers at a surf competition, plus the beach bunnies at the competition on the beach. The police and the aquarium team are at a loss as one by one the 4 headed, now a 5 headed shark , with jaws and a head now at its tail are taking them out now. Will man defeat beast? Who will survive?
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Review:
Before anybody gets defensive, am well aware that films like '5 Headed Shark Attack' are not ones to be taken seriously. Have seen my fair share of low-budget shark films, and any other kind of low-budget creature film, and will admit to finding some guilty fun in some of them (i.e. the first two 'Sharknado' films). There are far worse shark films than '5 Headed Shark Attack' and it is actually the least bad of the '...Headed Shark Attack' films.
Sadly '5 Headed Shark Attack' is just too amateurish to accept as a guilty pleasure, where nearly everything is just poor quality that it's insulting and there is nowhere near enough fun, intentional or unintentional, moments. Was not expecting anything intelligent here, am well versed now to know that it is not that kind of film, but it does feel like it was made by somebody who didn't know how to give a film brains, so much so that it'll make the viewer feel dumb and that is not a nice sensation to feel watching a film.
'5 Headed Shark Attack' does have one redeeming quality, which the other '...Headed Shark Attack' films didn't. The opening scene was actually pretty entertaining, something that put the viewer in the mood for some very dumb but guilty pleasure fun. Unfortunately, it rapidly fell downhill, where ridiculousness and cheapness amongst other things were taken to extremes.
Visually, '5 Headed Shark Attack' is absolutely no improvement on the previous '...Headed Shark Attack' films and is yet another low-budget shark attack film that looks cheap and like it was made with no budget, heart or enthusiasm. Any nice scenery that the movie has is difficult to appreciate when the movie is shot in such a drab way and when it's edited so amateurishly that bacon-slicer-like editing looks more refined. Worst of all in this regard are the effects, as it was made on low-budget it would have been forgiven a little if it was not great, but when the effects for the shark look as if no effort was given in making them without looking so goofy and unfinished-looking that is hard to ignore.
The opening scene apart, so the shark's lack of presence or personality, it's not menacing, it's not scary and it's not fun, it's not even strong enough to bring any unintentional humour or goofiness, that's how bland it is. The music is very generic and adds very little, it's not always appropriate either and quite a lot of it is actually pretty annoying.
Writing ranges between incredibly bad to appalling. Any comedy is incredibly forced and is so cheesy it is enough to make the eyes roll in disbelief, while the more serious moments are very awkwardly written and as trite as anybody can possibly go. Regarding the shark attacks, some are rushed, others are badly drawn out. They lack any kind of suspense and the over-silliness to the point of intelligence-insulting stupidity, terrible shark effects, bad editing and even more gratuitous gore further cheapen them. To describe the story as weak is being too insulting to the word weak, it is a very lethargically paced and thin as ice story with lots of padding that is either badly written or serves no point at all to the movie, other than attempts at novelty value, which falls flat on its face because it all feels so tired. It is not fun, it is not scary and it is not thrilling or suspenseful, it's just nothing but tired stupidity.
As for the characters, that they're tired cliches isn't so much a problem, the problem is that they are either obnoxious with them constantly doing stupid things, so bland that it makes zombies seem more animated or both. Some of them are superfluous to the story or come and go out of nowhere constantly. The direction is as flat as a pancake, and the acting is amateur hour awful. The may not unforgivably waste dependable actors (because there aren't really any, well based on the acting in this film), like '3 Headed Shark Attack' did with Danny Trejo, but that doesn't stop the painful mix of blandness and histrionics.
In summary, apart from one entertaining scene this was very poor.
Review by TheLittleSongbird from the Internet Movie Database.
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